We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
