period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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