I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
