I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
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There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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