I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
