Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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