A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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