I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
