I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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