Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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