Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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