She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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