So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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