The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
