I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
