i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
