wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
