ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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