wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
