i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
