She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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