I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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