Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
