I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
