This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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