A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
