Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
