I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
