I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
