I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
