God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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