Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
