Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
