shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
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