Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
