I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
