we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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