You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Is Oprah even human
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
