i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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