WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
