just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
