I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
