The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
