I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
