If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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