just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
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He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
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Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.