i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
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Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
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Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...