Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
