gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
