Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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