My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
