He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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