if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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