I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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