he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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