the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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