singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.