Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.