Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
