I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
