"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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