Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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