I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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