Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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