i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
